Plans for Wagon Wheel West rumored

Posted on Apr 1, 2019 in News

The Wheel | Wagon Wheel west

Citing increased demand for Wang burgers and pizza all across Lawrence, west side investors today announced plans to build “the Wheel West” at Bob Billings and Kasold.

Since 1955, The Wagon Wheel Cafe has served generations of students, fans and alumni pizza, burgers, and drinks (to those 21 and older).

While the original Wheel represents a piece of KU history, the Wheel West promises to bring the experience into the 21st century with a more modern vibe.

“Red baskets overflowing with fries? Out,” said lead investor Jim “Papa” Wheelie. “Quinoa and kale tofu bowls? In.”

“Our research has shown that while past generations of students may have preferred cheap beer as their drink of choice, we believe that current students feel Lawrence is lacking in $25 designer cocktails with their own Instagram pages.”

Plans to introduce two new locations at once were discussed but quickly shelved, citing market research that confirmed “no one likes a third Wheel.”

At press time, the majority of students and alumni were confused by the superfluous proposal. When asked to explain why, senior John Tyre simply paused, then said, “there’s no need to re-invent The Wheel.”

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Texas penalized by Big 12 Conference for Fraser flag stunt

Posted on Apr 1, 2019 in News

Texas flag hoisted over Fraser Hall | Fraser flag stuntThe University of Texas at Austin reacted swiftly when word came from the Big 12 conference reprimanding rogue Longhorn fans who hoisted a giant Texas state flag over KU’s Fraser Hall during the Jayhawks’ football game against UT last fall.

In a statement from Texas AD Chris Del Conte, the school agreed to make amends with a reciprocal gesture recognizing the Kansas flagship institution and its supremacy over the school based in Austin.

“We recognize that while everything may be bigger in Texas, everything’s obviously better in Kansas. Basketball, football, you name it,” Del Conte conceded.

An impromptu flag raising ceremony was orchestrated overnight on the “Forty Acres” beneath the famous UT Tower.

Students and fans quickly caught on and got hooked, holding up a two-fingered salute to KU, presumably meant to symbolize the flags atop Fraser or perhaps the two interceptions recorded by KU’s defense during last year’s Thanksgiving weekend game.

Even the Showband of the Southwest showed up, as the Longhorn Marching Band came to serenade the Sunflower State with an altered version of KU’s famous fight song, “I’m a Jayhawk,” with the restyled refrain, “I wish I was a Jayhawk.”

The KU game day flag at the KU Tower | Fraser flag stunt

 

The love fest in Texas will continue as new Longhorns attend the annual celebratory event during back to school next fall, traditionally dubbed “Gone to Texas.” Starting in August 2019, UT will rename the tradition for newly admitted students in favor of their neighbors farther north, calling it “Should’ve Gone to Kansas.” We don’t know about y’all, but we sure like the sound of that.

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Pearl Jam to open the show at ‘Late Night Under the Lights’

Posted on Apr 1, 2019 in News

SUA Pearl Jam Day on the Hill 1992 poster

Jeff Long, athletics director at the University of Kansas, let slip today that Pearl Jam will open the show at KU Football’s “Late Night Under the Lights.”

“We’ve been eyeing a return to Lawrence for another performance ever since our show in 1992,” said Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder. “Unfortunately, I think our window has passed to be a headliner again. Hopefully we can put on a good enough concert to help sell some cassettes.”

The platinum act originally appeared on campus for 1992’s Day on the Hill, an outdoor concert organized by Student Union Activities. The group was a little-known garage band from Seattle when it was originally scheduled, but by the time the event rolled around, the band’s album was on its way to becoming one of the best-selling of all time.

“Honestly, it’s an honor to let an over-the-hill band like us perform on the Hill,” said Vedder. “But hey, I’m still alive, so I’ll keep performing.”

The Alumni Association’s interview with Vedder had to be cut short because someone at his house wanted to get on the Internet.

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Les Miles requests live Jayhawk on sidelines

Posted on Apr 1, 2019 in News

Les Miles requests live Jayhawk on sidelines

Kansas head football coach Les Miles, in preparation for the 2019 football season, recently inquired about the possibility of bringing a live Jayhawk onto the sidelines for game days.

“During my time as a national championship-winning coach at LSU, we were fortunate enough to have a real tiger on the field,” Miles said. “I would consider the presence of a live mascot one of the most essential reasons for our program’s success, so I would like to see this tradition continue at Kansas.”

While the switch from a live adult tiger placed outside the visiting team’s locker room to a mythical bird may not carry the same intimidation factor, Miles was unfazed.

“A Jayhawk. A Rock Chalk Jayhawk,” Miles was quoted as describing his wish. “Such a beautiful bird. I’ve come to learn there are many versions of this freedom-fighting fowl.”

Miles was sure to assuage any fears about the rights of said Jayhawk. The bird will never be kept in a cage, but rather free to fly around before and during the game.

“All I’m askin’ for is a perch for it to rest on. Maybe we can get a nest of sorts on top of the video board. I understand that they already live close by in the Campanile. Sometimes I hear them chirpin’ on the hour.”

Big Jay and Baby Jay could not be reached for comment.

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One Day One KU funds to purchase 180,677 crunchy chicken cheddar wraps

Posted on Apr 1, 2019 in News

crunchy chicken cheddar wraps | April Fools' DayKU announced today after much deliberation that the funds raised during One Day One KU will be used to purchase crunchy chicken cheddar wraps for students.

The second annual One Day One KU fundraising campaign reached new heights for giving to the University of Kansas. A total of 2,635 gifts raised a record total of $1,084,062. With the money in hand, it was up to the board to determine the best use of the funding.

“This was not an easy decision,” confirmed Jay Hawke, c’88, finance director—food services division leader for the campaign. “After conducting a cost-benefit analysis, we came to the conclusion that the immense value of the filling wraps for only $6 meant that we could purchase 180,677 wraps for the KU student body.”

A student favorite of KU Dining, the delicious wraps combine chicken tenders, shredded cheese, fresh lettuce and tomatoes and house-made ranch dressing into a tortilla-wrapped vessel. Hundreds of wraps are consumed daily in the Union Market and the Underground.

The 180,677 wraps will be evenly distributed among the 28,150 students currently enrolled at KU. Each student will have six wraps loaded onto their KUID as “wrap credits.”

Donors will receive an email thanking them for their gift when the wraps are redeemed. Due to the difficulty in tracking an individual donation to an individual wrap, donors will receive an individual email for each wrap redeemed.

One Day One KU donors are eligible to redeem any extra wraps. Please allow four to six weeks for shipping.

In unrelated news, KU Dining is looking for temporary workers due to expected increase in foot traffic as the spring semester wraps up (pun intended).

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Chancellor Doug Girod to lead cross-disciplinary major

Posted on Apr 1, 2018 in News

Chancellor Girod announces new major focusing on human biology and rippin’ up the road on a classic hog.Chancellor Douglas A. Girod’s double duty as the 18th Chancellor of the University of Kansas and part-time head and neck surgeon has left him with too much free time. Chancellor Girod is serving as lead advisor of a new major, focusing on the studies of human biology and rippin’ up the road on a classic hog.

“At the University of Kansas, we value students pursuing multidisciplinary education. Nothing would make me prouder than to give degrees to students who I know can both perform an anterior cervical discectomy and take a chopper white lining with the club,” said Doug Girod after leading a meeting while wearing his Jayhawk and flame-emblazoned helmet.

Chancellor Girod could not be reached for further comment, as he was busy constructing a curriculum for Integration of Brain Tissue and Throttle.

 

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Kansas Basketball to retire Svi Mykhailiuk’s T-shirt

Posted on Apr 1, 2018 in News

Retiring Svi's T-shirt

After a remarkable four-year career at the University of Kansas, Kansas Athletics announced early Sunday plans to retire Sviatoslav Mykhailiuk’s T-shirt he wears underneath his jersey.

“Svi hit that three to force overtime versus Duke and got us to the Final Four. I knew right then it had to happen,” coach Bill Self said. “What better way to honor him than retiring his trademark tee?”

A remarkable story, Mykhailiuk’s journey from arriving in Lawrence as a 17-year-old to hitting more 3s than any KU player in a single season will be recognized by hanging his blank shirt.

Fans can participate in the honor by choosing which color of T-shirt should be raised. Follow @KUHoops on Twitter to vote for white, blue, red or gray to match the variety of jerseys Mykhailiuk wore.

Coach Self has already indicated guard Devonte’ Graham will have his jersey retired after winning Big 12 Player of the Year and being named a consensus first-team All-American.

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Student Rec Center floats out lazy river plans

Posted on Apr 1, 2018 in News

Student Rec Center floats out lazy river plans

After a recent funding resolution passed in Student Senate, the Ambler Student Recreation Center unveiled their plans for a new addition to campus.

“Student health is our number one priority,” said Rec Center president Jay Skwah. “What better way to promote physical health than with swimming? What better way to practice mental health than relaxing on a lazy river in the shape of a Jayhawk?”

“I think it’s a perfect idea,” said freshman Damian Wright. “I never use the services where my student fees go, silly things like career prep, so this is a welcome change.”

Unfortunately, a few campus landmarks will be relocated or removed entirely to accommodate the river rapids near the Chi Omega Fountain and the waterfall near Wescoe Beach. The trees planted along Jayhawk Boulevard in 2014 will be moved to West Campus and replaced with palm trees.

The new lazy river is in line with the Jayhawk Trail that will provide a pedestrian and bicycle path the unifies the entire campus. While a completion date for the lazy river is yet to be determined, current plans call for the river’s entry and exit to be located on lot 90, directly west of the Rec center. KU Parking declined to comment.

 

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Campus construction leads to discovery of Jayhawk fossil

Posted on Apr 1, 2018 in News

Fossils from the 1912 Jayhawk have been unearthed from deep within Mount Oread.Construction crews digging out the basement to the recently opened Earth, Energy and Environment Center uncovered more than room for a new hadron collider. Fossils from what are believed to be the 1912 Jayhawk were found deep within Mount Oread.

Paleontologists at the Department of Geology are understandably excited, as 1912 Jayhawks are believed to be extinct since 1920. Distinguishable due to their elongated femurs, Jayhawkus Centennialus, commonly known as “Centennial Jay”, will provide students with valuable study resources for years to come.

“As old as it is, you can tell just how cute it must have been,” said freshman Sally Jones. “It’s amazing to think that Centennial Jay peacefully coexisted with students on Jayhawk Boulevard when my great-great grandmother was a student here.”

The exact origin of the Centennial Jay is unknown, however many have heard legends of the Jayhawk’s existence since 1865. Paleontologists on campus are hoping these remains will unearth the beginnings of Jayhawk life on planet Earth.

“My Ecology professor said the remains were thought to have been fighting a tiger when they were fossilized,” junior Michael Tinn said, as he was interrupted by junior Trisha Yellin. “I heard the Jayhawk was eating a wildcat.”

 

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Breaking: Fake News for April Fools

Posted on Apr 1, 2017 in News

It’s that time of year again! Every year on April 1, the KU Alumni Association plays a playful prank on unsuspecting alumni, sending a special April Fool’s Day edition of our alumni e-newsletter. Last year, many alumni swore they wouldn’t be fooled again, so surely these “fake news” stories won’t make them do a double-take. With that caveat, you’ve been warned, dear reader. Proceed at your own risk, and have a happy April Fool’s Day!

KU Debate team wins argument to have NCAA overturn Elite 8 result

KU Debate TeamIn a surprising turn of events, members of the KU Debate Team successfully argued to have the NCAA overturn the result of KU’s Elite 8 loss to the Oregon Ducks.

Fresh off their own appearance in the quarterfinals of the National Debate Tournament, KU sophomores Jacob Hegna and Henry Walter disproved that the Ducks deserved to win based on the final score, citing KU’s rich heritage in basketball as the prevailing factor– a tradition, they noted, surpassed only by the strong tradition of KU Debate, which includes five National Debate Tournament Championships and 15 final four appearances.

Kansas will take Oregon’s spot in the NCAA Final Four Saturday night against North Carolina. Sorry, Ducks.


Wescoe to rise Far Above

Wescoe Hall via kualumni.orgOn the heels of KU’s most successful fundraising effort, Far Above: the Campaign for Kansas, KU officials announced the campaign’s crowning achievement today. Wescoe Hall will finally be completed, honoring the original plan for KU’s central classroom building to be a 25-story structure.

“Wescoe will rise ‘far above’ as intended all along,” said a KU spokesperson.

Once completed in 2073, just in time for the building’s centennial celebration, Wescoe will finally fulfill its destiny as the tallest building on campus–eclipsing Fraser Hall–while providing much-needed shade for sunbathers on Wescoe Beach.


Steam Whistle under repair, interim whistle appointed

Steam Whistle via kualumni.orgKU’s aging steam whistle blew its top this week after years of tooting duty. To keep KU’s classes on schedule, an interim whistle with worthwhile whistling experience had to be named.

While several Big 12 basketball referees applied for the position, it was widely expected that the job would go to the the famous Fieldhouse whistlers we reported on here. Then, almost serendipitously, a suitable substitute successfully slid into the role. Watch the video below to listen to KU’s new (and we think, improved) steam whistle.

 


Texas asks for rematch at KU Football’s spring game

KU Football via kualumni.orgStill reeling from last fall’s loss in Lawrence, the Longhorns of Texas reportedly reached out to Kansas Football officials to request a rematch at this year’s spring game, scheduled for April 15 at 1 p.m. at Memorial Stadium.

With little left to prove following KU’s 24-21 OT victory in 2016, Coach David Beaty and the Jayhawks continue preparations for the 2017 KU Football season, which opens at home Saturday, September 2 against Southeast Missouri State. Texas will have to wait until Nov. 11 when the Jayhawks come to Austin.


Bill Self adopts bulldog, names it Frank

Bulldog Frank MasonStill emotionally compromised due to the expiring eligibility of “the best guard” he’s ever coached, KU men’s basketball coach Bill Self reportedly adopted a pet bulldog from the Lawrence Humane Society this week, naming the dog Frank after KU senior Frank Mason, who was recently named the AP National Player of the Year.

When asked why he specifically wanted to adopt that particular breed, Self said he happened to be in the market for a “guard” dog.

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